--watching Black Swan. INTENSE.
--wasabi salmon.
--the knot in my back going away after yoga
--week 31. feeling massive, but still able to touch the floor with my hands.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
things that are unexpected, but great
--a refund check! I thought I was getting a bill, but it turned out to be $62.
--watching Black Swan. INTENSE.
--wasabi salmon.
--the knot in my back going away after yoga
--week 31. feeling massive, but still able to touch the floor with my hands.
--watching Black Swan. INTENSE.
--wasabi salmon.
--the knot in my back going away after yoga
--week 31. feeling massive, but still able to touch the floor with my hands.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
skepticism of the even year
call me crazy, but i've always favored odd years. all great things in my life came to me in odd years--i was born in an odd year, i graduated in odd years, and most awesome life-changes happened in odd years (i.e., my move to new orleans and beginning of my teaching career). this past year brought a lot of travels, good times with people i care about, and another decent school year. i was sad to see 2011 go, if not for the fond memories, but because life seemed to make sense most of this year and i know 2012 is going to be a year of big changes.
those who know me well know that i've always struggled with big transitions. i do not like when i can't plan the foreseeable future. the hardest year of my life was 2008, the year after college, when i had no idea what i wanted to do in terms of my career. navigating the initial post-school, beginning of adulthood life was more of a challenge than i ever anticipated. i absolutely hated feeling like i had no idea what was coming next or how i would adjust to those changes as they came up. the uncertainty of the economy didn't help matters, either; the sharp decline of the work world only added to my stress of "what's going to happen next"--there were countless resumes and cover letters sent to countless businesses that went unacknowledged. i had a handful of interviews that appeared to be promising, but ultimately, fell through. by year end, depression and anxiety had sunk in and feelings of inadequacy took the reigns of my day-to-day living. it took many hours of therapy to get a handle on my rampant anxiety and to break up with depression. check out some of those posts in 2008--not cute.
it wasn't until 2009 that things finally started to turn around for me. it was the year i was accepted to TFA. i finally felt more control over my future. it was the first time post-college i was able to plan for my future and be confident in my skill-set--and who i was as a person. it was the first time in a long time that i was genuinely happy.
being in new orleans has taught me a lot of valuable life lessons. i've grown more than i could have imagined. i don't think i'll ever regret my decision to leave chicago and pursue dreams i didn't really know i had. but as the dawn of 2012 has risen, i'm feeling less than confident in what the future holds.
new orleans hasn't been the kindest place to me recently. in the 3 years i've been here, every time i leave for a vacation or whatever, i'm always ready to get back by the end of my travel time. this new years, though, i was not ready to come back. i didn't even miss new orleans. in fact, i was so happy to be home and to be closer to family and friends that i SOBBED the entire way to the airport. then i sobbed in the airport, and on the plane, and the entire drive back to my house.
perhaps part of maturity is re-prioritizing who and what is important in life. i don't know if it's the years out of school or if it's that i'm expecting my first child, but i couldn't be less enthused about being far from the people i love most. that's not to say that i hate new orleans or that i don't value the friend-family i have here; i know i'm going to be fine. however, there's something to be said about having deep-seeded roots. one of my favorite quotes says "If you do not honor your past, you have no future. if you destroy your roots, you cannot grow." the older i get, the deeper these words resonate within my own personal truths.
2012 has already proven to be a challenge with material things--so far, in the first week of the new year, i'm going to be out about $2,000, i'm presented with figuring out new living arrangements, and deciding my next career moves--not to mention i have to begin preparing for my new favorite little one. the biggest challenge i'm expecting, though, is prioritizing my new life in a way that makes sense. and as we all know, the worst kind of pains are growing pains. at least that means that happiness is soon to follow.
at least, i hope that's what that means.
those who know me well know that i've always struggled with big transitions. i do not like when i can't plan the foreseeable future. the hardest year of my life was 2008, the year after college, when i had no idea what i wanted to do in terms of my career. navigating the initial post-school, beginning of adulthood life was more of a challenge than i ever anticipated. i absolutely hated feeling like i had no idea what was coming next or how i would adjust to those changes as they came up. the uncertainty of the economy didn't help matters, either; the sharp decline of the work world only added to my stress of "what's going to happen next"--there were countless resumes and cover letters sent to countless businesses that went unacknowledged. i had a handful of interviews that appeared to be promising, but ultimately, fell through. by year end, depression and anxiety had sunk in and feelings of inadequacy took the reigns of my day-to-day living. it took many hours of therapy to get a handle on my rampant anxiety and to break up with depression. check out some of those posts in 2008--not cute.
it wasn't until 2009 that things finally started to turn around for me. it was the year i was accepted to TFA. i finally felt more control over my future. it was the first time post-college i was able to plan for my future and be confident in my skill-set--and who i was as a person. it was the first time in a long time that i was genuinely happy.
being in new orleans has taught me a lot of valuable life lessons. i've grown more than i could have imagined. i don't think i'll ever regret my decision to leave chicago and pursue dreams i didn't really know i had. but as the dawn of 2012 has risen, i'm feeling less than confident in what the future holds.
new orleans hasn't been the kindest place to me recently. in the 3 years i've been here, every time i leave for a vacation or whatever, i'm always ready to get back by the end of my travel time. this new years, though, i was not ready to come back. i didn't even miss new orleans. in fact, i was so happy to be home and to be closer to family and friends that i SOBBED the entire way to the airport. then i sobbed in the airport, and on the plane, and the entire drive back to my house.
perhaps part of maturity is re-prioritizing who and what is important in life. i don't know if it's the years out of school or if it's that i'm expecting my first child, but i couldn't be less enthused about being far from the people i love most. that's not to say that i hate new orleans or that i don't value the friend-family i have here; i know i'm going to be fine. however, there's something to be said about having deep-seeded roots. one of my favorite quotes says "If you do not honor your past, you have no future. if you destroy your roots, you cannot grow." the older i get, the deeper these words resonate within my own personal truths.
2012 has already proven to be a challenge with material things--so far, in the first week of the new year, i'm going to be out about $2,000, i'm presented with figuring out new living arrangements, and deciding my next career moves--not to mention i have to begin preparing for my new favorite little one. the biggest challenge i'm expecting, though, is prioritizing my new life in a way that makes sense. and as we all know, the worst kind of pains are growing pains. at least that means that happiness is soon to follow.
at least, i hope that's what that means.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Sunday, December 11, 2011
working from home on a sunday.
I went to school today with every intention of being productive. This week's a big week and I have a lot of catching up to do. I've never been disciplined enough to work from home. There are too many things I'd rather be doing! And, I prefer to keep my work and home life as separate as possible to protect what little sanity I have left.
Well, the internet was down at school. So, here I am. At home. Writing a blog post and NOT being as productive as I need to be.
Only 6 more days until Christmas break. That's all that matters anyway, right?
Well, the internet was down at school. So, here I am. At home. Writing a blog post and NOT being as productive as I need to be.
Only 6 more days until Christmas break. That's all that matters anyway, right?
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
one more thing...
I've posted this poem before, but it strangely has more meaning to me now:
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn't make any sense
--Rumi
Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing,
there is a field. I'll meet you there.
When the soul lies down in that grass,
the world is too full to talk about.
Ideas, language, even the phrase each other
doesn't make any sense
--Rumi
11 days until christmas break, month six, and a partridge in a pear tree
Needless to say, I'm a terrible blogger. I haven't updated this blog in months. Truth be told, I've become pretty apathetic to most things--or maybe numb is a better descriptor--this school year. There are so many other things going on that it's hard to evenly and fairly distribute my time and attention to all areas of my life. And, apparently, that means my time for writing isn't as important as it should be. Jack Ridl would be disappointed with my terrible decision.
This time I do have a reason for my excessive silence! It's bigger than work, and definitely deserves more of my time than just about everything else. Most people know already, but in case you don't, or you've only heard rumors, it's true: I'm going to have a baby boy at the end of March, which puts me at the start of Month Six:
This news is shocking to most, but I'm excited about the changes that will be soon to come. I love my job, but I've always wanted a life with more purpose (which is not to make light of my job--it has great purpose!). I think this baby will be just that: a new, wonderful, direction. Granted, it's a little unplanned and isn't exactly the way I wanted it to go--but I'm owning it. Just because something doesn't happen the way you wanted it to doesn't mean it's the end of the world. And it most certainly doesn't change the core of who I am--or who I am to become.
The pregnancy is going relatively well. With the exception of a mild stomach bug that landed me with an IV and a few bags of fluid, the only issues I've had in the last 6 months are sleep problems or heartburn.
I had no idea heartburn could be so damned miserable. I basically can't do anything without getting heartburn. People laugh at me for carrying a container of Tums at every second of the day, but if I don't, I basically want to die. I can't sit without getting heartburn. Laying down is out of the question. There's no one food that sets it off--I could drink water, for goodness sake, and I'll still have raging heartburn. It is, by far, the worst part about being pregnant up to this point.
Yesterday I ate an organic blueberry waffle for breakfast. I figured since it was organic and made from blueberries, it was pretty legit. What I didn't know was that BLUEBERRIES WERE EVIL. Holy mother of all heartburns, I was so uncomfortable for the WHOLE DAY. Not just a few hours, but literally up until I attempted to go to bed. Water just perpetuated the issue and there weren't enough antacids in New Orleans to quiet it down to a dull roar. I tried eating crackers and other non-acidic things, but nothing helped. I left work right at the release time (which I never do), went to yoga, and then went home to crash. It took awhile for the pain to subside, but once it finally calmed the eff down, I slept. Hard. I still have the drool spots on my pillow case to prove it.
Which brings me to my next point--sleep. I never know if I want it or if I am going to be making frequent trips to the bathroom throughout an evening. The first trimester I slept ALL THE TIME, except for at night when I needed to sleep. It was then I had to wake up every 3 hours to go to the bathroom. I barely made it through school days. My classroom kind of suffered because of it. Could you imagine being a student of a teacher who yawns while pretending to be excited? Yeah, me either. I felt terrible for my babies, but there wasn't much I could do to change the situation. The doctor limits you on caffeine so you're not dehydrated, but I needed the jolt of energy to make it until 4:30. The days I did yoga I had a much better chance of making it through the night, but there were no guarantees.
This trimester has been so far, so good sleep wise. Now I can fall asleep and make it through the whole night without having to wake up once. The sleep is so deep I find myself sleeping through alarms, people walking through my room, music, and just about everything else. And the drool. MY GOD, the drool. I've never been a drooler or a snorer, but in the last few weeks, I'm pretty sure I've become a walking bag of secreting fluids. Congestion and drool plague my sleep, but not enough for me to not enjoy the multitude of zzzzz's.
The thing is, though, I'm tired throughout the day, too. It takes me hours to feel like I finally have my engine warmed up, and by that point, it's about time to go home. When I get home, I have to force myself to eat healthy (but all I want are hamburgers, french fries, and chocolate shakes. Gross.), and then I have to force myself to go to yoga so I don't completely balloon up in the final stretch. Really, though, I could put on pajamas and go to bed. Laaaaaame. I don't know why I'm always so tired. Maybe it's because my belly is finally growing, or maybe it's because I'm working on creating a set of lungs in my womb, but I'm ready to take custody of my energy again because this whole sleeping 10 hours a day business is making me feel like a total sloth.
In the in-between time, I'm counting down the days until I can fly home to Chicago. This will likely be the last time I'll be able to make it home before summer (and without a million pounds of baby gear). My flight leaves the morning of the 17th all the way until January 1. I'm beyond thankful for the opportunity to spend so much quality time with my lovely family and friends. If you're in town, let me know! I'd love to catch up over a decaf cup of coffee. :)
This time I do have a reason for my excessive silence! It's bigger than work, and definitely deserves more of my time than just about everything else. Most people know already, but in case you don't, or you've only heard rumors, it's true: I'm going to have a baby boy at the end of March, which puts me at the start of Month Six:
This news is shocking to most, but I'm excited about the changes that will be soon to come. I love my job, but I've always wanted a life with more purpose (which is not to make light of my job--it has great purpose!). I think this baby will be just that: a new, wonderful, direction. Granted, it's a little unplanned and isn't exactly the way I wanted it to go--but I'm owning it. Just because something doesn't happen the way you wanted it to doesn't mean it's the end of the world. And it most certainly doesn't change the core of who I am--or who I am to become.
The pregnancy is going relatively well. With the exception of a mild stomach bug that landed me with an IV and a few bags of fluid, the only issues I've had in the last 6 months are sleep problems or heartburn.
I had no idea heartburn could be so damned miserable. I basically can't do anything without getting heartburn. People laugh at me for carrying a container of Tums at every second of the day, but if I don't, I basically want to die. I can't sit without getting heartburn. Laying down is out of the question. There's no one food that sets it off--I could drink water, for goodness sake, and I'll still have raging heartburn. It is, by far, the worst part about being pregnant up to this point.
Yesterday I ate an organic blueberry waffle for breakfast. I figured since it was organic and made from blueberries, it was pretty legit. What I didn't know was that BLUEBERRIES WERE EVIL. Holy mother of all heartburns, I was so uncomfortable for the WHOLE DAY. Not just a few hours, but literally up until I attempted to go to bed. Water just perpetuated the issue and there weren't enough antacids in New Orleans to quiet it down to a dull roar. I tried eating crackers and other non-acidic things, but nothing helped. I left work right at the release time (which I never do), went to yoga, and then went home to crash. It took awhile for the pain to subside, but once it finally calmed the eff down, I slept. Hard. I still have the drool spots on my pillow case to prove it.
Which brings me to my next point--sleep. I never know if I want it or if I am going to be making frequent trips to the bathroom throughout an evening. The first trimester I slept ALL THE TIME, except for at night when I needed to sleep. It was then I had to wake up every 3 hours to go to the bathroom. I barely made it through school days. My classroom kind of suffered because of it. Could you imagine being a student of a teacher who yawns while pretending to be excited? Yeah, me either. I felt terrible for my babies, but there wasn't much I could do to change the situation. The doctor limits you on caffeine so you're not dehydrated, but I needed the jolt of energy to make it until 4:30. The days I did yoga I had a much better chance of making it through the night, but there were no guarantees.
This trimester has been so far, so good sleep wise. Now I can fall asleep and make it through the whole night without having to wake up once. The sleep is so deep I find myself sleeping through alarms, people walking through my room, music, and just about everything else. And the drool. MY GOD, the drool. I've never been a drooler or a snorer, but in the last few weeks, I'm pretty sure I've become a walking bag of secreting fluids. Congestion and drool plague my sleep, but not enough for me to not enjoy the multitude of zzzzz's.
The thing is, though, I'm tired throughout the day, too. It takes me hours to feel like I finally have my engine warmed up, and by that point, it's about time to go home. When I get home, I have to force myself to eat healthy (but all I want are hamburgers, french fries, and chocolate shakes. Gross.), and then I have to force myself to go to yoga so I don't completely balloon up in the final stretch. Really, though, I could put on pajamas and go to bed. Laaaaaame. I don't know why I'm always so tired. Maybe it's because my belly is finally growing, or maybe it's because I'm working on creating a set of lungs in my womb, but I'm ready to take custody of my energy again because this whole sleeping 10 hours a day business is making me feel like a total sloth.
In the in-between time, I'm counting down the days until I can fly home to Chicago. This will likely be the last time I'll be able to make it home before summer (and without a million pounds of baby gear). My flight leaves the morning of the 17th all the way until January 1. I'm beyond thankful for the opportunity to spend so much quality time with my lovely family and friends. If you're in town, let me know! I'd love to catch up over a decaf cup of coffee. :)
Sunday, October 23, 2011
things for which i give thanks
It's been awhile, folks. Many apologies for not wrapping up my Great Lakes Adventure posts--in short, Chicago was fantastic because I have an incredible family and wonderful friends, who are like family. This visit made me realize just how much I miss living close to people who know me well...and love me anyway.
In the many moon since I've posted a lot of life altering things have happened. I won't go into detail on all counts of each of those things, but I will tell you what happened yesterday and why I'm beyond thankful for health, safety, and sanity.
You see, I have a particular attachment to my Honda Civic. Admittedly, I even named her Zoey when I bought her back in 2007. We've had a lot of great times, Zoey and I. We've traveled to many states, survived a few snow storms, and she even moved me across country. She's also the first car I've had to take a loan out for--my big post-college purchase!
Unfortunately, other things going on led me to the sad, sad conclusion that if I'd like to pay rent and, you know, eat things sometimes, my car payments had to come to an end. That end would mean selling Zoey and using the leftover cash to purchase a different car outright. Just as I was coming to terms with this next step in my game plan, everything got all...wrecked.
In an effort to get more sleep, I tried to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I love my apartment, but sometimes it's a little annoying that our walls are so thin. Usually on weeknights my neighbors enjoy blaring techno-music or a little Justin Timberlake--and seeing that we live so close to the highway they turn it up extra loud to drone out the traffic. Most days this seems to be the case and because of it I mostly learned to ignore loud sounds. I was blessed with the ability to sleep through most noise, neighbors, city buses, the dairy, etc. Last night was no exception.
Around 2:30 in the morning I heard a noise, similar to that of when my neighbor slams his door. I woke up briefly and attempted to fall back asleep...except there was a lot more screaming than usual. I heard a lot of ruckus outside, but I had no idea why. Not even 10 minutes after I decided to turn on FRIENDS to help me fall asleep, Mi came down to my room and woke me up. She told me not to freak out but...
a group of kids, under the influence of something, swerved going a little too fast and hit my car. So the loud noise wasn't a door after all. Go figure.
Apparently the 4 guys attempted to separate their car from mine so they could leave the scene of the accident. Witnesses were calling the 911 to get an immediate police response. In the meantime, my adorable, kind, old man neighbor ran to the scene to make sure everyone was safe...and as soon as he mentioned that he called for help, the guys jumped him. Terribly. His face was unrecognizable. People ran to his aid--all the while I'm in my room watching television and Mi is waking me up.
By the time I put two and two together, the group of kids ran by foot away from the scene, leaving both of our cars in shambles, my neighbor bleeding in the street, and who knows what else. They grabbed a duffle bag and took off. The police showed up as this was happening and caught all four of them.
I had to stand outside in the (what felt like) freezing cold to give my insurance information, etc. The kids in the car were clearly high and/or drunk and continued to laugh and talk back to police officials and the ambulance crew. I couldn't believe that after all that had happened--after all the horrible choices they made--they continued to verbally assault those around them.
My emotions caught up with me. This school year has been particularly challenging and other circumstances have left me at less than my absolute best; seeing my car ripped to shreds and watching 4 young adults throw their lives away over something that was so preventable, made me sob in the middle of the street. I felt like a complete fool as I blabbered relevant information to the police.
My mind kept racing--what if Mi had left to pick up Steven? What if I decided to go to Walgreens to get ice cream (which I had been tempted to do earlier)? What if someone was waiting at the bus stop close to where I had parked? People could have died. Sure, it may seem a little silly to dwell on the scenerios that are to never be--but when something like this happens, it puts so much into perspective. Cars can be replaced. You can always earn more money. But if someone were to have died because of their foolishness...whoa.
Just when you think you've hit a low, life turns around and shows you how thankful you should be to be breathing at all.
In the many moon since I've posted a lot of life altering things have happened. I won't go into detail on all counts of each of those things, but I will tell you what happened yesterday and why I'm beyond thankful for health, safety, and sanity.
You see, I have a particular attachment to my Honda Civic. Admittedly, I even named her Zoey when I bought her back in 2007. We've had a lot of great times, Zoey and I. We've traveled to many states, survived a few snow storms, and she even moved me across country. She's also the first car I've had to take a loan out for--my big post-college purchase!
Unfortunately, other things going on led me to the sad, sad conclusion that if I'd like to pay rent and, you know, eat things sometimes, my car payments had to come to an end. That end would mean selling Zoey and using the leftover cash to purchase a different car outright. Just as I was coming to terms with this next step in my game plan, everything got all...wrecked.
In an effort to get more sleep, I tried to go to bed at a reasonable hour. I love my apartment, but sometimes it's a little annoying that our walls are so thin. Usually on weeknights my neighbors enjoy blaring techno-music or a little Justin Timberlake--and seeing that we live so close to the highway they turn it up extra loud to drone out the traffic. Most days this seems to be the case and because of it I mostly learned to ignore loud sounds. I was blessed with the ability to sleep through most noise, neighbors, city buses, the dairy, etc. Last night was no exception.
Around 2:30 in the morning I heard a noise, similar to that of when my neighbor slams his door. I woke up briefly and attempted to fall back asleep...except there was a lot more screaming than usual. I heard a lot of ruckus outside, but I had no idea why. Not even 10 minutes after I decided to turn on FRIENDS to help me fall asleep, Mi came down to my room and woke me up. She told me not to freak out but...
a group of kids, under the influence of something, swerved going a little too fast and hit my car. So the loud noise wasn't a door after all. Go figure.
Apparently the 4 guys attempted to separate their car from mine so they could leave the scene of the accident. Witnesses were calling the 911 to get an immediate police response. In the meantime, my adorable, kind, old man neighbor ran to the scene to make sure everyone was safe...and as soon as he mentioned that he called for help, the guys jumped him. Terribly. His face was unrecognizable. People ran to his aid--all the while I'm in my room watching television and Mi is waking me up.
By the time I put two and two together, the group of kids ran by foot away from the scene, leaving both of our cars in shambles, my neighbor bleeding in the street, and who knows what else. They grabbed a duffle bag and took off. The police showed up as this was happening and caught all four of them.
I had to stand outside in the (what felt like) freezing cold to give my insurance information, etc. The kids in the car were clearly high and/or drunk and continued to laugh and talk back to police officials and the ambulance crew. I couldn't believe that after all that had happened--after all the horrible choices they made--they continued to verbally assault those around them.
My emotions caught up with me. This school year has been particularly challenging and other circumstances have left me at less than my absolute best; seeing my car ripped to shreds and watching 4 young adults throw their lives away over something that was so preventable, made me sob in the middle of the street. I felt like a complete fool as I blabbered relevant information to the police.
My mind kept racing--what if Mi had left to pick up Steven? What if I decided to go to Walgreens to get ice cream (which I had been tempted to do earlier)? What if someone was waiting at the bus stop close to where I had parked? People could have died. Sure, it may seem a little silly to dwell on the scenerios that are to never be--but when something like this happens, it puts so much into perspective. Cars can be replaced. You can always earn more money. But if someone were to have died because of their foolishness...whoa.
Just when you think you've hit a low, life turns around and shows you how thankful you should be to be breathing at all.
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